I have demons

My subconscious seems to want me to fail. (or is it the other way?!) I have demons. I put myself in solitary confinement. The voices say that I must stay. I feed myself through the slit of the door. My fellow prisoners swim through my veins, swift messengers of impending doom. Heart, be aware. Don’t leave me. My imagination is powerful. I can build a whole city in minutes. I can decimate mountains with my much needed joy. I can walk out of this prison just as easily as when I built it. Perspective, don’t leave me. When I get out of solitary confinement I am charming, and I know it. Being charming means a lot of things. It puts a glow around me. This didn’t come from your belief in a higher power. It means that before I ask, I receive. On my end, I seem to lose my grip on whatever I try to give. But I’m not afraid to look at the dirt inside me. I am not dirty based on your belief in a higher power. I work hard. I will die on the job. I’m not done until my work reflects the greatest parts of my character. I am good at what I want to be good at. That’s why when you’re famous your boyfriends and girlfriends will tear you apart in their memoirs for all to read. As if I could be that important! These demons sure are convincing. The one that got away. The many ones. Every person that I’ve been with came with a great story. Everything was interesting, burning, and tormenting. Love and hate mail. If I believe that I will fail, then I sure will. Run to the phone, run away from the phone, the link to your lost love………(WAIT!! THIS WORLD IS DIFFERENT WITHOUT YOU. PLEASE DON’T LEAVE! tears, etc)…….there are phones rarely now but small devices that do everything and nothing to remind you of everything and nothing. I am okay with not fitting anywhere. I do not fit at the holiday dinner table with paper cut out loved ones. But you’ll keep asking questions. And I’ll wonder why you put up with him or her. But to the ones that are true (whatever that is), I say carry on, mofos.

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